To Whom It May Concern:

Fucking sigh.

Ever have a moment that changes your mood in a 180 degree direction?  Yeah, just happened.  Fucking a.  Honest to God I’m tired of being a fucking trick.

I just got home a bit ago from going out.  I had a good time and was in a good mood.  I was planning on playing some games and going to bed.  I check Facebook for a minute first and what to my dismay do I see?  The girl I like flirting with another guy. What the fuck, man.

I’m always there for her.  Take her out.  Make her laugh and joke around.  Compliment her when she looks good.  Compliment her more when she thinks she looks bad.

And here I am watching her flirt with another guy.  I feel like suck a damn trick.  I get no reciprocation of appreciation of love, but I always pour my weary heart out.  Why do I keep doing this?  Why do I keep falling for this same ole’ shit.  I never fucking learn.  I’m an idiot.

I can’t say anything to her.  What could I say?  “Hey, I was creeping on Facebook and there you were flirting with another dude.  What the fuck.”  God this hurts.

Sigh.  Fucking sigh.

You know I’ll try my hardest, but I’ll never change who I am inside.

Title speaks volumes in this one.  It’s a lyric in the song Postcards and Polaroids by Sleeping With Sirens.  It gets me every time.  This relates to me in so many ways in all situations.  I try my hardest on everything I do.  I never want to become complacent and labeled as a do-nothing nor a failure by any means.  But, I’ll never give up my core beliefs to sacrifice my pride nor integrity for success.  I just want to be accepted for who I am and what I can do without changing what makes me unique.

I’m thinking about getting some ink.  I’ve always wanted ink, but I don’t want something I’ll regret.  I want to look at it every day and be just as happy as the first day the needle pierced my skin.  I’ve thought of designs, but I don’t know what designs I’d want.  I love sports, but don’t want any sports themes inked on me.  I love drinking, but don’t want a 40oz tat’d on my bicep.  I love traveling, but I don’t want a jet plane on my pectorals.  I was hanging out with my friend today and he said to get a rattlesnake tat on my pelvis where the rattle of the snake’s tail inks down to base and shaft of my penis.  Winning.

I’m thinking about getting song lyrics.  Yeah, kinda’ cliche.  But. music is the only thing that manages to keep me sane, or chronically depressed when I put on a sappy love song.  It’s a love-hate kinda’ relationship.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Obviously the lyric in the title of this entry would be a choice.  I also like So Much Love by The Rocket Summer.  I think I’d like a chest piece of that near my heart.  Or, on my ring finger since that finger symbolizes marriage.  I only want to get married once and I want it to be forever.  So Much Love epitomizes that to me.  Maybe on my wrist would be a more practical choice, and probably less sexually questionable.  I mean, what man gets a tat on his ring finger?

Show Me Everything You’ve Got on my chest is another one that has a lot of potential.  With a nice font I think it’d look amazing.  If I got that one, I’d want it to be in colour.

The musical artist Lights is my favorite artist.  Ever.  I’d get sooo many things inked on me by her.  Saviour, is my most meaningful song.  It makes me happy or cry every time.  Having the lyric “Sooner or later I’ll need a Saviour” across my chest would be perfect.  But, I’m afraid my future wife would have insecurity issues with this.  Or, Banner by Lights, is also a spiritual song to me.  “Lift me up like a Banner” is the lyric I’d like.  And maybe having that on a banner of flag of some sort?  I think I’ve convinced myself the moment I type this to get this inked by the end of the year.

Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls also holds a special meaning to me.  I’ve been to a couple Dolls concerts and this song hits my heart like not very many others do.  The sad thing is though is that the entire song flows perfectly together and there’s no one line I like most to get inked on me.

Bent by Matchbox 20 is also an emotional song.  It also has a lot of potential one-liners.  The only thing is that they’re all sad-type lyrics.  I really don’t want anything depressing on me, even though it’s an amazing song.

There’s literally a hundred lyrics I’d like.  But these are the ones that stick out the most; especially at 1am.  I know I’ll think of a thousand and one lyrics later and be like “Fuck!  How the hell did I forget THAT one!?”.  Yeah, it’s inevitable.

I’m really thinking of the Banner idea now.  I’m going to see if I can have someone design this for me.  Or, the Saviour idea if just the word Saviour inked on my forearm.  Or the Show Me Everything You’ve Got idea chest piece.  Or maybe get a sleeve done.  All I know is I’m ready, and excited, for a permanent scar that doesn’t involve razor blades and masochistic self infliction.  This one is for happiness.

I’ll be like T.I and you can have whatever you like

Back from dinner.  I love hanging out with her.  So much.  We have so much in common.  We can talk about all things serious.  We can talk about things in jest and laugh for the entire night.  She’s gorgeous. 

I always make hints about dating her.  Or kissing her.  Or wanting to be with her.  She plays it off subtly and is so coy about it.  It’s so enticing.  Ugh I love it.  I wish I can just kiss her.  Or fuck, she’ll just surprise me with a kiss.  I’d melt. 

Then I’d probably ravage her.  Fuck yeah. 

Now I’m back from dinner.  And missing her company already.  We should just date already so we can snuggle, watch a movie together, and have passionate sex halfway through.  Then snuggle again until the movie is over.

Then do the same thing the next night. #perfect